Confused about the Criteria?

If you’ve ever looked up the official criteria for ADHD or autism, you’ll know how confusing and even invalidating it can feel. You might read the list and think: That doesn’t sound like me at all — while at the same time knowing in your heart that you’ve been struggling your whole life.

This is exactly how I felt when I first looked at the criteria. On paper, it felt like it was written about someone completely different — a child bouncing around a classroom, or someone so obviously “impaired” that nobody could miss it. But in reality? My struggles were real. They just didn’t always look the way the criteria described them.

In this blog, I want to share why the criteria can feel so confusing, how it connects to my own journey, and what you can do if you feel like you “don’t fit” but still know something isn’t right.

👉 Confused About the Criteria?

Why the Criteria Don’t Seem to Fit

The first time I read through the diagnostic criteria, I remember thinking: Is this it? It felt outdated, limited, and not at all reflective of my actual life. And that’s because, in many ways, it is.

Written for children: Most of the criteria were originally designed for spotting traits in children, particularly in school settings. That means they don’t always apply neatly to adults. Based on stereotypes: They often describe a very narrow picture — like the hyperactive boy with ADHD, or the “silent, emotionless” autistic child. They don’t reflect the lived reality of women, non-binary people, or anyone who masks. Focused on deficits, not differences: The wording tends to sound harsh — “deficits,” “impairments,” “abnormal behaviours.” Reading it can feel like an attack rather than a description.

It’s no wonder so many of us come away thinking, Maybe I’m not really ADHD or autistic. Maybe I’m just lazy. Maybe I’m exaggerating.

My Experience With the Criteria

When I first went through the criteria, I didn’t see myself clearly. I wasn’t bouncing off the walls as a child. I wasn’t completely “silent” or unable to socialise. In fact, on the surface, I looked like I was managing fine.

But here’s the thing: what the criteria didn’t capture was the internal effort it took to look that way.

I was masking constantly — copying others’ behaviour, scripting conversations in my head, and forcing myself through social interactions. I was exhausted by routines, noise, and expectations, but I pushed through so nobody would notice. I seemed “fine” to teachers and friends, but inside I was burning out.

So when I read the criteria, I thought: That’s not me. But in reality, the criteria just weren’t written with people like me in mind.

The Problem With Masking

Masking is one of the main reasons the criteria don’t always match lived experiences. On paper, you might not “tick the box” because you’ve spent decades hiding your traits.

For example:

The criteria might say “difficulty maintaining friendships.” But if you’ve masked by over-giving, people pleasing, or copying others, you might look like you have loads of friends. The reality is, those friendships might not feel deep or sustainable. The criteria might say “difficulty with routines.” But you might have developed rigid coping strategies to keep yourself afloat — so from the outside, you look “fine,” even though you’re drowning in exhaustion. The criteria might say “limited interests.” But maybe your hyperfocus has been praised as “passion” or “talent” — so it doesn’t get seen as autistic, just quirky.

The criteria don’t account for the invisible work of masking.

The Emotional Impact of Confusing Criteria

Reading the criteria and not seeing yourself in it can be really invalidating. I know I felt like a fraud. I thought: If I don’t match this, maybe I’m just overthinking.

That self-doubt is exhausting, and it often stops people from seeking help. Many of us spend years gaslighting ourselves because the system’s criteria don’t reflect our reality.

But here’s the truth: your lived experience matters more than how neatly you fit into a checklist.

What Helped Me Make Sense of It

When I was struggling with the criteria, a few things really helped me move forward:

1. Writing Down My Real Experiences

Instead of trying to match myself to the criteria, I started writing down my day-to-day struggles in my own words. For example:

“I forget to eat meals unless someone reminds me.” “I need hours to recover after socialising.” “I panic when routines change suddenly.”

That’s where the Symptom Trackers became so useful — they gave me a way to document patterns without trying to translate them into clinical language.

2. Tracking My Energy

I realised a lot of my struggles didn’t show up in the criteria because they were about energy. Symptom Trackers helped me see how much effort I was using to appear “fine.” Even on days when I seemed to be coping, my spoons were completely gone. That was evidence the criteria couldn’t capture.

3. Understanding the System

I had to remind myself: the criteria are written for professionals, not for us. They’re just one tool, and they’re far from perfect. That’s why I created my FREE Diagnosis Roadmap — to help people understand the process and how to present their reality, even if the criteria feel alien.

Reframing the Criteria

Instead of treating the criteria as the “truth,” I started reframing them. For example:

Difficulty maintaining friendships → Do I feel constantly drained by socialising, or like I have to perform to keep up? Restricted interests → Do I lose hours to special interests that bring me comfort but might seem unusual to others? Hyperactivity → Is my brain always racing, even if my body isn’t?

This shift helped me see that I did fit — just not in the stereotypical way the criteria were written.

What I Wish I’d Known

Looking back, I wish someone had told me earlier:

The criteria don’t always reflect real life. Masking can make you look like you don’t “qualify.” Self-doubt is normal, but it doesn’t mean you’re wrong.

Most importantly: you don’t have to look like the textbook definition to deserve support.

Moving Forward

If you’re confused by the criteria right now, here’s what I’d encourage you to do:

Keep documenting your life in your own words. Look beyond the stereotypes. You might not be “classic ADHD” or “classic autism,” but that doesn’t mean you’re not valid. Advocate for yourself. Professionals might rely on the criteria, but your job is to share the reality that lies beneath them.

Conclusion

The diagnostic criteria can feel alien, outdated, and sometimes even cruel. But they don’t get the final say in who you are. Your lived experience is real, your struggles are valid, and your identity doesn’t have to fit perfectly into a clinical checklist to matter.

If you’re struggling with this right now, know that you’re not alone — so many of us feel the same way. And with the right tools and support, you can move through the confusion and into clarity.